Kuchiki Byakuya: 50 Facts of Life
by IVIaedhros
Summary: Seriously, how I am supposed to improve on Chuck Norris? Why, turn him into Byakuya! Shamelessly unoriginal fun ahead. Rated for general insanity.
1. 1 thru 5

The throne of the spirit king is only empty because Byakuya decided he was too cool to bother taking care of peasants.

--

The original manga for Bleach was a single a single issue and ten pages long, including the cover. Byakuya decapitated Aizen and walked away into the fading sunset with his wife and newly saved/adopted sister on page five. In the interest of sustainability, it was decided to cast Ichigo in the lead role instead.

--

Yumichika isn't actually very effeminate. In fact, if you saw him by himself, you'd think he looked kind of manly. It's just he's in the same show as Byakuya, and in comparison appears hopelessly gay.

--

Kuchiki Byakuya does not style his hair. It lies in place out of perfect fear and obedience.

--

Yammoto decided to slaughter the Quincy rather than wait for Byakuya to grow up and kill them. It was deemed more humane.

_TBC._

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	2. Reader Facts 1

Hueco Mundo only exists because negative space is afraid of being on the same  
side of the spirit barrier as Kuchiki Byakuya.

--

Kuchiki Byakuya does not play the shamisen. The sounds produced when he  
touches the instrument are merely its humble pleas for its life.

~_AbstractError_

--

Kuchiki Byakuya is not God. He would consider that a demotion.

_~Tomas the Betrayer_

_TBC._

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	3. 6 thru 10

Mayuri was thrown in the Maggot's nest is because he tried to clone Byakuya. Had he succeeded, the universe might have imploded in an overload of awesome.

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Kuchiki Byakuya does not forget you. He simply ignores that which is not important.

--

Byakuya used to have a mustache like his grandfather, Ginrei, but it was declared too epic to possibly exist in the space time continuum.

--

The reason why Byakuya always looks pissed off is because he's disappointed the world's not as awesome as he is.

--

It is impossible for Kuchiki Byakuya to be hollowfied: his inner hollow ran away years ago.

_TBC._

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	4. Reader Facts 2

Kuchiki Byakuya does not collect fine china because he wishes to flaunt his  
wealth. It is a purely pragmatic decision. It is an unwritten rule that the  
head of the Kuchiki house must be able to kill a man with a teacup. Kuchikia  
Byakuya has the finest collection of tea sets in all of Seireitei.

_~Marching Madly Onward_

_--_

Byakuya kuchiki loves children. They are humble slaves to his awesomeness.

_~i-is-animefreak_

--

Byakuya isn't emo, you're just too emotional.

_~stephvamp25_

_TBC._

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	5. 11 thru 15

There is an average of 92 objects in the typical household that Byakuya can kill you with. 93 if you include the room itself.

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Kuchiki Byakuya's shunpo is so fast; he can kill you twice before you blink.

…

…

That's four times now.

--

Kuchiki Byakuya once walked down the street without his shirt on. There were no survivors.

--

When Yoruichi got tired of Soifong stalking her, she showed her the SWA's photo shoots of Byakuya in the family's private hot springs. Yoruichi would be lying if she wasn't a _little_ jealous over how quickly Soifong got over her homoerotic fixation with her.

--

Kuchiki Byakuya once lost a fight, just to see what it felt like.

_~TBC._

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	6. Reader Facts 3

Moses can walk through water, but Byakuya can swim through land.

--

A person may get hit by a car, but the car gets hit by Byakuya.

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God made the earth in six days and Byakuya destroyed it in six seconds.

--

Byakuya's motto is: "Being number one is how I warm up".

--

Once Byakuya was three hours late to a meeting and when they asked him about it he said, "I'm not three hours late, you're all just three hours early."

_~LadyAJ95_

_--_

Kuchiki Byakuya doesn't shunpo, time slows down when he moves.

_~cezlave_

_--_

Byakuya Kuchiki is so fast, he can go round the world once and tap himself on the back.

_~SingBenihime_

_TBC._

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	7. 16 thru 20

Kuchiki Byakuya can shunpo so fast, you can talk for fifteen minutes before you realize all you were talking to was his after image.

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Kuchiki Byakuya does not fight. "Fight" is a vulgar term that implies some sort of struggle or effort on his part.

--

An espada's rank is not assigned due to their strength. It's just the order Byakuya kills them as he counts down from ten.

--

The reason there are always sakura petals falling around Byakuya is because the trees quiver in fear when he passes.

--

The reason Renji has no eyebrows isn't because he shaves them: they burst into flames when Byakuya glared at him for one too many dumb ass remarks.

_TBC._

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	8. Reader Facts 4

Behind every succesful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there  
is Byakuya.

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The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Byakuya's opponents as a  
good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of  
their injuries.

This never proved correct.

--

When Byakuya plays monopoly, it affects the real worlds economy.

--

Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Byakuya.

_--_

Kuchiki Byakuya single-handedly ended the last ice age. The glaciers melted  
from fear when they heard he wanted to go for a swim.

_~moronqueen_

--

Using her Hibiscus Shield, Orihime has the power to deny anything. Except  
Byakuya. NO-ONE denies Byakuya.

_~EmoHeadEshnny_

_--_

Byakuya Kuchiki never wet the bed. The bed wet itself out of the sheer  
awesomeness and fear.

--

Byakuya Kuchiki can't love. He can only not kill.

--

Not everyone that pisses off Byakuya dies. One got away. He calls himself the  
ruler of Hueco Mundo.

--

If you go through every record in the entire universe looking for "Byakuya  
Kuchiki losing" you will never find anything. It just doesn't happen.

--

Byakuya Kuchiki doesn't do paperwork. The words assemble themselves out of  
fear.

_~xxbleedinglovexx_

_--_

Normaly people screw only one bottle cap per bottle, but Kuchiki Byakuya screws two bottles on to one cap.

_~Warhailer_

_TBC._

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	9. 21 thru 25

Byakuya does not walk. He glides, floats, or, if he's in a pinch, promenades.

--

Byakuya receives approximately five hundred and twenty marriage proposals per week. This does not include the four for Senbonzakura.

--

Tousen wasn't born blind, he just saw Byakuya smile.

--

For repeated bravery in the face of an over-caffeinated Yachiru, Soul Society offered Byakuya whatever he wanted, but he waved them off. He already owned everything anyway.

--

After a particularly hard and sweaty inter-division training session, Kiyone asked Byakuya in honest amazement how he always managed to be so sexy. Byakuya asked in honest irritation how was supposed _not_ to.

_TBC._

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	10. Reader Facts 5

Byakuya Kuchiki has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

When you say "no one's perfect", Byakuya Kuchiki takes this as a personal insult.

Byakuya Kuchiki played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Byakuya Kuchiki's first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

In a fight between Batman, Chuck Norris and Darth Vader, the winner would be Byakuya Kuchiki.

The square root of Byakuya Kuchiki is pain.

Byakuya Kuchiki once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

_~Sam Leonhart_

--

Byakuya does not get sick. Germs immediately implode upon contact.

_~Ero-Chibi-Chan_

_TBC._

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	11. 26 thru 30

Byakuya knows he's in a manga. He just pretends he doesn't.

--

When Byakuya goes out into the Rukongai his biggest worry isn't the hollows, the murderers or the thieves: it's the suicidal.

--

As a teen, Byakuya experimented with snorting raw wasabi and shooting up hot sauce. He quit after a week in disgust because nothing had any effect.

--

Grateful citizens in the Rukonagi once named a street after Byakuya for saving them from a gang. They had to rename it, unfortunately, because no one who crossed Kuchiki Byakuya lived.

--

Los Noches was Byakuya's entry for the previous year's beach sandcastle competition.

_TBC._

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	12. Reader Facts 6

The reason Ichimaru Gin keeps smiling is because he wants to get as much  
enjoyment from life as possible before Kuchiki Byakuya massacres him for  
betraying Seiretei.

_~Lord Mist_

In regards to Senbonzakura, Ronco, mass producers of the Ginsu Knife you see  
advertised on late nite tv, cannot hold a candle to it. In fact, Ronco has  
been the 3rd person to Kuchiki Byakuya's power...

--

KB not only stands for Kuchiki Byakuya, but KICKS BUTT too.

--

In Soul Society, there is no ** or addictive substances, just Kuchiki  
Byakuya.

--

Kuchiki Byakuya: Keeping fangirls and boiz wondering what's under those robes  
for centuries.

--

When Kuchiki Byakuya desires new custom tailored silken robes for himself, he  
buys out the entire fabric store, including the remnants.

--

Kuchiki Byakuya does not condone self gratification, however, if he had a  
video game about himself, he'd be playing with himself.

_~PsychoSybil_

Aizen ran away to Hueco Mundo to hide from Byakuya because he once called Byakuya 'Byakuyabo'

~_Ingledew _

Byakuya Kuchiki once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

--

Byakuya Kuchiki doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

--

Byakuya Kuchiki was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

--

Byakuya Kuchiki is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his Kido.

_~Sam Leonhart_

_TBC._

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	13. 31 thru 35

Byakuya does not brood. He unconsciously radiates disdain for those lesser than him, which is everyone.

--

Kisuke tried to use Rukia to destroy the Hogyoku because the waiting list to see Byakuya was two centuries long.

--

Everytime Byakuya smiles, someone, somewhere dies. Unless he's smiling because he killed someone, in which case they were already dead.

--

The 11th's right of initiation is insulting Byakuya. If he beats your ass to a pulp, congrats: he see's some potential in keeping you alive. If he kills you, then you were a worthless waste of oxygen to begin with.

--

Byakuya once sued a thunderstorm for plagerizing his signature white lightning kido.

_TBC._

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	14. Reader Facts 7

It's not that Byakuya doesn't age. Time just goes by EXTRA slow for him.

--

If you see Byakuya staring at you, it's not that he doesn't like you. He's just waiting for you to realize that you're dead.

--

Byakuya doesn't have a God complex. Such a simple thing didn't mean anything to him anymore.

--

The only reason it's Aizen sitting on the throne in Hueco Mundo is because Byakuya didn't think it was badass enough.

--

Byakuya doesn't fight the law. The law fights Byakuya, has a smoke, and gives up halfway through being raped.

--

The only reason Byakuya's zanpakuto release form is pink is because if it was any other color, he would be officially too badass. This even includes yellow.

_~TorThaSuper_

--

Once Byakuya and the author of this fic entered a bar. It promptly exploded because no building can hold that much awesomeness.

_~superkim11_

_--_

Byakuya was the first person to be named captain at birth.

--

Byakuya invented a song, that later became the alphabet.

--

Byakuya doesn't run, the world just spins faster.

--

Byakuya CAN believe it's not butter.

--

Byakuya doesn't speak to God, God speaks to Byakuya.

_~Drake S. Hellion_

_--_

If a suitor ever did succeed in marrying Rukia, his last name would automatically change to Kuchiki no matter what the paperwork said.

--

"Swibbing" is a common crime listed on the many, many tickets handed out by the Seireitei traffic control--slang for Shunpoing while intoxicated by Byakuya.

_~Amciel_

_--_

Byakuya ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.

--

When Kuchiki Byakuya spells something wrong the dictionary has to be changed

--

Kuchiki Byakuya can divide with 0

_~perfect beauty_

_TBC._

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	15. 36 thru 40

Kuchiki Byakuya once had a staring contest with his own reflection. It blinked first.

--

If you slow down Byakuya's senka to 1/100th normal speed, you can make out that the move isn't just two stabs. He actually brews a pot of tea, composes a tri-set of haiku's about his opponent, _then _stabs them twice.

--

Kuchiki Byakuya was an atheist until he realized that he was a god.

--

There are no such things as lesbians, only women who haven't met Kuchiki Byakuya.

--

Musashi killed his enemies with a sword whittled from a boat oar. Byakuya kills his enemies with toothpick he whittles from chopsticks using only a spoon.

_TBC._

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	16. Reader Facts 8

When Kuchiki Byakuya pours milk on rice crispies he hears the souls of the people he killed saying "damn you Buakuya Kuchiki!"

--

Kuchiki Byakuya doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the hell out of the way.

--

_~perfect beauty_

--

Their is no gravity, everything is just bowing Byakuya.

~Zach'Toshiro'.1

--

Byakuya Kuchiki suspsects the Spanish Inquisition.

_~MarchingMadlyOnward_

--

How about, the only reason why Byakuya isn't the Commander General is because he couldn't be bothered, and the Sixth Captain's seat was a family heirloom.

--

The reason why Yachiru was able to make so many hidden rooms and passageways in the Kuchiki mannor is because they already existed; Byakuya had a weekend off.

_~Maya-chan2007_

_TBC._

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	17. 41 thru 45

Byakuya is the reason Captain Unohana is always smiling

In case of power failure, the flare caused by Byakuya's bishi-shine reflecting off Ikkakku's head on top of the executioner's hill can be used to simulate an artificial sun.

Tousen wasn't Aizen's first choice as a recruit and neither was Gin. He just had to make due with what he was given because he realized that no one would follow a glasses-wearing dork if Byakuya was always around next to him.

Byakuya Kuchiki once terrorized a young punk into maturity.

As a teen, Byakuya search for a spicy food equal to his iron palate led him to experiment with snorting raw wasabi and shooting up hot sauce. He gave up in disgust after a week because nothing had any effect.

_TBC._

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